24 March, 2013

Agonizing choices

Now I'm a little tired and somewhat bored. The new chemotherapy begins to show its true colors.

The first few days I did not notice any side effects of doxorubicin at all, and thought that this would just be easy. But as the days have passed the shape is just falling, and I just liked to give up the entire treatment.

I felt the pain for the first time Friday night. It is most joint and muscle pain and headache. It has only increased since. For the first time in a while I take extra painkillers. It did not seem like anything would help this morning, so we called the Cancer Centre at Ullevaal. The best was to combine paracetamol and ibux. In addition to my regular, strong painkillers.

Have I reached the bottom now, or is it going to be even heavier? Of course I hope the side effects are the strongest right now, and that the only way is up from now on. Luckily I have a break from chemotherapy entire Easter, which is a good chance to recover, but what about when I should have chemo every week?

I want so much to be tough and say that I will manage this. I would not say no to something that might work and give me more time, but is it right that I should be in pain, being uncomfortable and not enjoy the time I have left?

The choice is mine, and I can say no. A no from me, then it stops. Everything is my choice. I choose to try, and I choose to hope. Cling on to a last little hope that the chemo is working, but it costs. I try as best I can to be strong, to endure all the pain and accept that I can not bear the same now as before.

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