Yesterday, on Tuesday I was on day ward at Lovisenberg. I was really looking forward to the meeting, and I put all my effort in getting there.
The taxi ride there went fine, but when I came in the door, I just collapsed completely. It was not the worst place to collapse, because I got lots of good care.
It was the pain that was the worst, and nausea. I was given morphine and antiemetic intravenously, and eventually I was able to recover a bit.
I was way down, and I cried a little. I talked a lot about what I had been thinking about the last few days. I talked about how I was and that I could not bear to have it the way I had it now. And about whether to continue the treatment when it just hurts.
I managed to put into words that I might soon have to make the choice that I no longer want to have more chemo. And I could say that I think it is so difficult that I alone should be facing such a choice. Am I a coward because I do not want any more? Is it just for my sake I suffer through this here one more round? Why should someone be subjected to such an inhumane dilemma?
Sure, I'm tough, and I say to myself that of course I'll stand in it. Shall accept all I can get until the next CT-control, it could be this chemo is working. But at what price? And how long will it prolong my life?
Is it right that I should have such pain and be so tired the time I have left? Is it not better to allow me to drop it? And if I decide that enough is enough, can not all then understand and accept that it is my choice. My doctor supports me no matter what choice I make. I will live the rest of my life as good as possible.
Today I got a call from Hospice Lovisenberg. They offered me to come and stay at the care ward. They saw yesterday that I was in pain, and they wanted to help me. Help me to cope with the pain, and to talk through all the difficult choices I am facing. My wish is that I will feel as good as possible, and it's good when someone offers the care I need.
Most of all, I want to be home, but no one has it good when I hurt. I'll still be celebrating Easter with my family. I get some leave from the hospital at Easter, but I accept to stay where the best help is to be found.